*Warning:* This post is long; it’s my personal experience and story. Sorry it contains TMI. I want to express the “authenticity” on this topic though.
I want to write a post on this topic because it’s something that happens quite often, but doesn’t seem to be talked about much and it needs to be. Here is this world we live in full of crappy things that happen to people, a lot of the crappy things that happen to them are happening to other people as well we just don’t know it because no one seems to talk about it.
Social Media is full of all things happy! Which is wonderful, it’s so nice to see all the good things that happen in everyone’s lives, but is that all real, NO, it’s not.
Now, I’m not saying everyone should get on social media and spill all their trials and tribulations, but if people did do that just a little bit more I think this world wouldn’t be so focused on themselves and would have a bigger support system in just knowing that there are others going through the same things they are.
I understand that there are private things that happen in our lives that need to stay private. I also understand that it takes an enormous amount of strength, courage, and vulnerability to share hard ships to the world.
Some may look at it as a need for attention, some may be mean and judgmental towards what they have to say, and some may flat out not care at all, but the ones that are struggling and dying inside because they feel alone may be uplifted and helped by hearing other people’s experiences.
This is a super hard subject for me to share because I am a pretty-private person and I don’t like attention or pity, but this is something I experienced, it is real, it is sad, and it is super hard.
The fact that it’s been over two years now since it happened helps a lot because I’ve had time to heal. It still stings, and it still breaks my heart, and to share this to who knows how many people, scares me to death, but here we go.
January, 11th, 2016. I’ll never forget that date. Seven days before this date (January 4th) was the day I found out I was pregnant with our third. I was so excited! Scared, but super excited!
I announced it to my husband by writing, “We’re Pregnant!” on a small chalk board in our kitchen that we have and I put the pregnancy test by it.
Well, the night went on he still didn’t notice it and it was driving me crazy! So I tried to get him to look over there and then he finally saw it! He was thrilled!
We decided to not tell our two other children yet and we didn’t want to tell our family and friends until after my first appointment.
I called the next day and scheduled my first doctor’s visit. I was already starting to feel some pregnancy symptoms, tender, swollen breasts, tiredness, and frequent urination. Making that appointment sure made things get “real” fast.
From then until the 11th I just felt uneasy about things. My excitement for some reason started to dwindle and I felt like something may be wrong. I like to call this intuition and Heavenly Father trying to prepare me for what’s coming.
I started to experience some spotting and a little bit of cramping on the 10th. When I went to the bathroom and saw the blood my first thought was I’m going to miscarry. I was sick to my stomach by the thought of this and I was terrified. My heart was broken.
I told my husband and he reassured me it’s probably nothing, he reminded me of all the spotting I had when I was pregnant with my last child. My hopes were higher after talking with him, because I did spot my whole first trimester with my last child and everything was fine.
A couple of hours later my cramps hit me hard. I was doing dishes at the sink and I felt a gush. I ran to the bathroom and there was blood, lots and lots of blood. I literally started saying out loud, “NO, NO, NO!” I started crying as I was trying to clean myself up. I was shaking, scared, and felt physically ill.
I felt completely helpless. There was nothing I could do to stop this. I kept asking myself, “Why? Why is this happening?”
It’s an experience that is really hard to put down on paper. The feelings and emotions are impossible to describe.
Telling my husband was tough. I was already hurting for myself, but this was his baby too and to tell him that there was no longer a baby was like robbing him from something he wanted so badly. I wasn’t just hurting for myself anymore, but I was hurting for him too.
Being a woman and the one who carries these precious beings is hard enough when you have a healthy pregnancy. The faith you have to have to know that your body will do what it’s supposed to and to trust that your body will be healthy and strong for your baby, that’s scary, but then to miscarry or have complications during a pregnancy…it shakes you.
I was in so much pain with all the cramping; miscarriage cramping is so different from menstrual cramps, they’re more severe and intense.
I was bleeding a lot; miscarriage blood is different from menstrual blood too. It’s a thicker, darker red and even has a different smell. I had blood clots coming out and tissue. It was unfamiliar and I honestly didn’t know what to expect or what was normal.
That night as I laid next to my husband crying and telling him how sorry I was. He held me tightly. There weren’t many words exchanged, because neither of us knew what to say, we just held each other, and that’s all we really needed.
If you ever go through this situation please be sensitive to your husband’s feelings, you need to be his comfort too, this isn’t just about you. He may not be the one physically experiencing this, but he is emotionally. Not only is he experiencing the loss of his baby, but he is experiencing watching the one he loves go through something terrible physically, mentally, and emotionally as well.
I couldn’t sleep well that first night. I was in a lot of pain and I just couldn’t stop crying. So many feelings and emotions were running through me.
I FELT ANGRY, FRUSTRATED, SAD, ASHAMED, GUILTY, AND ALONE
- I felt angry that this was happening; I wanted to have this baby.
- I was frustrated at my body for not protecting this baby and carrying it to term like it was built to do.
- I was sad because I was grieving the loss of my child and that I was making my husband have-to grieve along with me.
- I was ashamed because after I found out I was pregnant I was scared, I was questioning if I could handle three kids, I was questioning if the timing was right. I was scared how sick I’d be during this pregnancy, and if we could afford it. I felt that because of these fears it caused me to miscarry because I had so many doubts and lack of faith.
- I felt so much guilt because of my husband. I know he didn’t blame me for this, but I blamed me. It was my body rejected our baby and I felt so guilty. My husband never has any control when I am pregnant. It’s all on me and he can’t do anything about it. For 9 months our baby and I are one. He trusts that I will be wise in my decisions when I carry his children. He believes that I’ll take care of myself and do things I am supposed to do to make sure that we have a healthy baby. HE TRUSTS ME and I just felt like I failed him so badly. I can’t imagine how helpless he must have felt.
- I also felt so alone. My husband didn’t understand exactly what I was feeling and going through and I didn’t know how to talk about it. I didn’t feel I had anyone to talk to about it. I honestly didn’t want to talk to anyone about it either. I just wanted to be alone. I know that’s contradictory, but my feelings were all over the place that I just felt…lost.
I had the hardest time navigating through these emotions. I tried to stay strong, because not only did I have to stay strong for myself, but for my husband and other children in my home as well. I didn’t want them to see me so upset.
The next day I was still cramping and bleeding really bad. I didn’t know if this was normal, so I called my OBGYN’s office and talked to a nurse. When I scheduled my first visit for this baby I decided to try a different provider I’d never seen because I heard good things about her.
When I told the nurse what was going on she told me, “I’m sorry, but since you’re a new patient and haven’t been seen yet we can’t help you and give out advice.”
I explained, “I have my first visit scheduled though and was supposed to see the doctor there.”
She said, “I understand that, but you haven’t been seen yet and that’s our office policy.”
So, not only was I extremely emotional over my circumstance, my body was going through a lot, my hormones were all over the place and now my doctor’s office wouldn’t help me.
I’m sure you could only imagine how upset I was at this point. So, I called my old OBGYN’s office and I figured they wouldn’t be able to help me either because I haven’t been into their office for like 2 years.
The nurse was so nice to me. I told her what I was experiencing and she suggested that I go to the E.R. She said that my cramping and bleeding shouldn’t be this bad still at this point.
I found a babysitter for my other two children and I went to the E.R. They were concerned that it could have been a tubal pregnancy. As they were doing the ultrasound my husband came into the room. I didn’t even know he was coming. He works right by the hospital, but I didn’t know he’d be able to get off. It was so good to see him.
There was no evidence on the ultrasound that I was even pregnant so that means that everything has cleared out. My body is just flushing itself out and trying to become regular again. They took my blood to check my HCG levels and they were lower. They said to get my blood drawn again in 2 days to check if my levels are back where they need to be, so I did that.
My doctor’s office called with my results from my second blood draw and they said that my HCG levels are indeed dropping so that is a definite indication of a miscarriage and to take a pregnancy test in 4 weeks to make sure it comes back negative, if it doesn’t then you need to come in.
So, this is my story. I’m sorry it’s so long and I hope I didn’t share too much information or make anyone uncomfortable. Like I said, it’s so hard sharing this personal of an experience, but I truly feel sharing these things can help some people.
Over time and healing from this experience I’ve learned a lot. In every trial comes understanding, it just takes time.
I have learned that a miscarriage is your body’s way of declining your pregnancy because something was wrong with it. If everything was right with my pregnancy then I wouldn’t have had a miscarriage, but my fertilized egg had a chromosomal abnormality which was causing my egg to not develop normally which my body realized and so it resulted in a miscarriage.
Now, understanding this helps me come to terms with things a little better. Our bodies are magnificent! It fights off diseases and illnesses. When it notices that something is not right it fights off the thing that’s invading it and that’s no different with this situation. This brings me comfort because it helps me understand why this happened better.
I also know that Heavenly Father knows what’s best for me and at that time in our lives we weren’t ready to bring another child into the world, even though we thought we were. There is always a bigger plan instore and if we continue with faith, then all things will work out. I’m not saying it’s easy, it’s not, it’s really difficult.
Miscarriage is a common thing, it happens more often than we realize. With that being said, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter or isn’t a big deal, because it is!
My miscarriage was very early on. I felt this helped my healing process, to be honest I am grateful it happened so early. I wasn’t as attached to my baby yet, I was barely wrapping my head around the idea of being pregnant. I hadn’t told anyone yet either so that made it easier as well.
I always felt embarrassed and ashamed for feeling so down and depressed about my miscarriage, I still do, because I know so many people have experienced it much worse than I have. They’ve either miscarried way further along than I did, they have experienced multiple miscarriages, or have struggled with fertility and don’t even have children yet and keep having miscarriages.
There are so many different scenarios and here I am blessed with two beautiful children and I am very fertile and get pregnant quickly and have only experienced one miscarriage, what do I have to be sad about?
In my opinion a loss is a loss no matter what and we all need to be sensitive and sympathetic towards everyone’s experiences.
One thing that I found uplifting in this experience was how much deeper my love and gratitude grew for my other two children. My eyes saw them in a different light and our bond grew stronger throughout this; and eight months later I got pregnant with twins.
My bond with Heavenly Father grew so much too. I leaned on Him a lot during all this and he helped me through.
There is always good through the bad, it’s just shadowed by the dark and all we have to do is move towards the light. Heavenly Father always has a bigger plan. Trust in Him.
Thank you for letting me share my story with you.